The Art of The Apology

In my 42 years of life, I've done some dumb things. Some hurtful things. Some thoughtless and careless things. Some things that were, admittedly, downright intentionally mean. What I hope I've learned in all these years, is how to apologize.

What I have absolutely learned in all these years, is that most people don't know how to apologize, and/or know what an apology is for.

There is a great website, The Perfect Apology, that teaches you how and why to apologize. It really breaks it down. So if you find that an unusual amount of people get pissed at you, or stop speaking to you, etc., you might want to check that site out. Cuz, um, it just might be YOU that's the issue.

Having had some of the most important people in my life refuse to apologize for anything, or do so but do it all wrong, I'm going to hit on several of my pet peeves and lessons learned about apologies:

- Apologize even if you think you haven't done anything wrong. Ignorance of your own behavior is not a Get Out Of I'm Sorry free card.

- Apologize even if you are right. You hurt/upset some one in conveying you're "rightness", which ultimately makes you wrong. Suck it up an apologize. It's more important to make it right, than it is to be right.

- Do not, under any circumstances, follow "I'm sorry" with "but". "But" voids the apology. And it makes people want to punch you.

- Do not, under any circumstances, say "I'm sorry if...". The "if" tells the injured party that you don't think you did anything wrong and are not holding yourself accountable. And it makes people want to punch you.

- Apologize in person whenever you can. It can be scary, but "man up." Seeing some ones face and hearing their voice is important when conveying emotions, especially regretful ones.

- Please, please DO NOT use an apology as a band aid, or just as a means to end/defuse conflict. MEAN IT. And work on not repeating the behavior in the furture.

There are a small handful of people who are no longer in my life because they don't understand any of this, and it made being around them a series of hurts. If only they could have done some introspection and learned some of these things, we'd still be in each others lives today.

So, go forth and learn before some fabulous person kicks you out of their life because you can't, or won't, apologize.