A Soft, Nougatty Center

In my adult life, in the relationships and dynamics I have been a part of, a common theme pops up. A stigma, if you will, about me that I think is largely incorrect. I think that it's a misinterpretation by those who either don't know me well, or don't care to know me well.

You see, I've sometimes been labeled bossy and mean.

Which I am not. And if you knew me, and knew me well, you'd know that I'm pretty self aware and don't have an issue calling myself on my own crap. While I am many things, I am not either of these and am really pretty tired of being accused of them.

To say one is bossy is to also infer that they wish to control everything and everyone around them. Not this chick. Really, it's enough for me to manage myself and my own little world. Wanting some control, wishing you could make people do what you want them to or what they should I think is perfectly normal and natural to a certain degree. To the level that bossy implies doesn't apply to me. I can no more control you and what you do than I can the orbit of the moon. So I don't try. It's as simple as that.

The trait that I have that I think comes off as bossy to some is the fact that most of the time I know what I want, when, and how I want it. And this typically comes to me from a combination of past experience and gut instinct. I'll generally not open my mouth unless I am certain, and when I am, I'm very matter-of-fact and absolute. Hence, bossy. Folks who flounder, or who want bad behavior enabled don't like this trait 'o mine, I've come to find. Too bad. Go in peace. I know what I'm doing (oops, I guess that's bossy, huh?). And if I don't, I'll ask.

To say that I am mean is also far, far off the mark. What I am is a very social, people loving smart ass that's loaded with sarcasm. Which I know can annoy some. I do try to reel it in when I'm sensing it's not appreciated or inappropriate. And sometime it's cranked on 11 when I'm nervous or uncomfortable. I also have a habit of not taking any shit or suffering fools, which also comes off as mean, even when I choose to not engage or be silent (which at this stage of life, is the path I generally choose).

So it seems I lose either way. But what, and whom, exactly do I lose?

I could be wrong, but I think experience and open eyes have shown me that the folks who have dismissed me, walked away from me, or just never "got" me maybe just aren't meant to be members of my tribe, my "framily".

My framily are a select few who have taken the time to see past the temptation dismiss me as a bitch, and have found some one quite different. When they reflect those parts of me back to me is when it's most surprising. It makes me say to myself "Wow, they see that?" We all desire to be truly seen by some one, and too often in my life I have not been, unfortunately by people who held very significant roles in my life. It's why I'm so grateful for those to stuck around to find out.

I have heard them say that I'm the person who would drop everything in the middle of the night to come to their aid, who provides them with the steel they need in uncomfortable situations, who hits the nail on the head when they're stuck for words or solutions. And while most of them have never (or rarely) seen me cry, they know that I'm far, far more sensitive and emotional than I will ever appear, typically feel hurt feelings and rejection as if my soul is sunburned, and have a heart the size of Texas just oozing with big love. They also know I tend to do my crying alone.

Which is why I posted this today. I did some crying alone, me and my sunburned soul.