So, for those of you not paying attention, I'm an avid live music lover. A professional concert goer, if you will (although no one has yet to actually pay me to attend their gig). With years, nay decades of concert experience under my belt I have learned that there is a definite etiquette, or at the very least a set of unwritten rules, one should adhere to, especially when in a standing room only situation.
Recently my bestie E and I went to the Carnival of Madness tour at Rams Head Live downtown. It was one kick ass line up: Emphatic, Adelita's Way, Black Stone Cherry (my fourth time seeing these boys), Alter Bridge, and Theory of a Deadman. A good long night of modern rock. And it was here that I was reminded of a few of the aforementioned unwritten rules.....
- If you are 6' or taller, get out of the way: How many times have you gotten to a venue early in order to secure a prime viewing spot only to have some Jolly Green Giant dumb ass show up later and just walk right in front of you and fucking... stop. Stop. Right there, with no regard for the normal sized human beings behind him. I certainly have, too many times to count, so when it happened at Rams Head I said to the giant "Now I KNOW you did not just park you 7' tall ass right in front of me!" He turned, we made it into a bit of a joke, but no so much that he didn't get that I was serious. He remained mindful of his position the rest of the night. Yo, Amazons - the back and the sides are your domain. Stay there.
- Marge Simpson should NOT be any ones style icon: I shit you not, some broad showed up at this concert with her black hair pulled up, piled up, ratted, and back combed within an inch of its life on top of her head. It added a good 12" to her head, and of course where does she end up standing just before the headliner comes on? In front of E and I. Goddammit! Fortunately, this chick was on the flat floor and E and I were in our fav spot, on the ramp along the side of the sound board so Mrs. Simpson wasn't much of a problem. But still, she could have been, so she annoyed me.
- Overly wide is just as bad as overly tall: Marge had a boyfriend with her, whom E and I referred to as The Juicer. This dude was so fucking wide with pharmaceutical enhanced muscles that he looked like a damn steer. All night my purse had been hanging undisturbed on the short plexi wall that surrounds the sound and light equipment, until The Juicer showed up and clearly needed ALL the space around him. In no time his drunken steroid ass was banging into my damn purse, and then looking at it each time as if IT was in HIS way. Not to mention, my purse was also holding my iPhone and my Fuji camera. I could just see The Juicer's Marvel Comic-sized arms knocking my purse to the floor then spilling whatever concoction he was drinking all over it as he looked down. Space in a standing room only environment is like prime real estate, and those who get there early and claim it, own it. Don't show up late and try to claim some for your big ass. Take your 5' wide Jersey Shore wing span to the side or back with the damn Amazons.
- Oh and SHUT THE FUCK UP!!: Mrs. Simpson and The Juicer absolutely, positively had to have the most important conversations of their entire mixed drink soaked, spray tanned, retraining order filing relationship all during the Theory of A Deadman set! Are you fucking serious? Marge even had her back to the damn stage the entire time so that The Juicer could hear her! Which also meant that her voice was now coming in OUR direction, competing with the vocal of the lead singer. ARG!!! You chose to come here, you paid to come here, so shut the fuck up and watch the fucking concert!
I'm sure a lot of you can relate, probably having experienced some of this rudeness yourself. It really can bust your good concert groove. And if you have identified yourself in this post, do us all a favor - stay home. You're too stupid to deserve live entertainment.
