Look Ma! I'm Sub-Par!

PNC Bank has a new commercial out about their rewards programs. Reward programs are a nice feature from a bank, and I think any sane and legal incentive used to gain customers is good. I know I, for one, can indeed be bought.

However, I take issue with something said in their radio ad. The customer says something like "Hey, I pay my bills on time - I get rewards!" This touches on a nerve of mine... a long standing nerve that screams:

Thou shalt not be rewarded for doing what's expected!

You're supposed to pay your bills on time. Some rewards program where you get a damn Applebee's gift card or a Bose Wave music system shouldn't motivate you to do so. What should motivate you are things like collection agencies calling, low credit scores, jacked up interest rates, loss of service, etc..

I've never been one to applaud what's expected, except in babies and small children who are just learning all kinds of new things. Adults know how to walk, read, and not poop in their pants; we should all have those basics down. Other adult basics are under the umbrella of - being responsible for ourselves.

Therefore, I will not pat your head because you do your laundry. I will not give you a gold star for getting to work on time. So I most certainly will not clap and say "My what a big boy/girl you are!" when you pay your bills on time.

This all reminds me of the time my ex-husbands grandmother, who has 5 children, said in an apparent moment of motherly pride, "I only have ONE kid in jail!"

Unfortunately this is also where my head voice came out of my face voice and I said "NONE of your kids are supposed to be in jail."

She didn't talk to me much after that. No matter, she never much liked me anyway. But I digress.

I'm clearly not the only one who feels this way.....

Sam Halpern, the Dad of "Shit My Dad Says", dropped this gem: "A parent's only as good as their dumbest kid. If one wins a Nobel Prize but the other gets robbed by a hooker, you failed." I heart Sam.

Chris Rock said that there are people who want credit for shit they're supposed to do, like take care of their kids - "You're supposed to, you dumb motherfucker!" - and, as mentioned above, not being in jail - "'I ain't never been to jail!' What do you want, a cookie?! You're not supposed to go to jail, you low-expectation-having motherfucker!" - and I love him for it.

Alas all of this was said many years after the incident with the ex's grandmother, but I'm sure she wouldn't have gotten it anyway.

Oh, and that kid of hers that was in jail then? Is pushing 50 and lives in a pop-up camper in her backyard.

Swim Time in This Pool is Over

So.... I'm single. Yep, 42 and single for almost 13 years. I've had a few relationships during that time, which were fun... until they weren't anymore and I moved on. And I also spent a good 4 to 5 of those years deliberately single - didn't date at all. Now? I'd like to date. I'd like a boyfriend again. I think I've gathered enough experience about relationships, and myself, to give it a go again. And possibly totally succeed.

Not that I'm looking to get hitched again (the idea still makes me itch a little). Maybe having some one wanting to marry me would be enough (and I wouldn't turn down some diamond jewelry, know what I'm sayin'?). So, in my quest this year to find a lad to romance me, a couple of my besties suggested I re-enter the online dating pool.

This would be my second dip into this pool, having had zero success the last time. I'm saddened to say that not much has changed in the way of the sites, the scenarios, and the pickins. So without further ado, I bring you some of my personal adventures in online dating (and some "what not to do"'s for you boys considering posting a profile):

1. I've only actually met one guy I met through online dating. He lived in PA. With his mother. Because he didn't have a job. Likely because he was stoned on the mary jane all the time. Like he was when I got there. Like he took a break to go do again while I was there. When he figured out that this wasn't going well (me packing up my purse and coat was probably his first sign), he announced he was leaving for the strip club (it was daylight out) to hook up with his friend (insert tacky stripper name here) because he wanted to get laid.

2. I met, via email, a Satanist. I don't mean he was evil or creepy, I mean he worshiped The Devil. I didn't learn this until after he quizzed me about music lyrics, which I guessed all wrong because they were songs by various underground satanic death metal bands. Then he revealed his religion. And the big back piece tattoo he had honoring his belief in The Dark Lord Lucifer. He clearly missed the part of my profile where I indicated that I was Catholic. Buh bye, Devil's Minion.

3. You know how shows like Dateline: To Catch A Predator teach you that a lot of people pose as other people online? Well after many great emails and phone calls, the night I was supposed to have a date with one guy, he canceled. But what I didn't know was the real reason. He had other plans. Plans to kidnap a college student off the street, rape and torture her all night before setting her free. No shit. It was in the news. Ernie Carletti from Elkton, MD. Look it up.

4. Mr. Email You For A Week Then Stop All Communication The Second I Suggest We Meet For Coffee Guy, I obviously never met. Guess he didn't like coffee. Or girls.

Then there are dummies who don't have some one, say another girl, go over their profile before they post it. These dummies have the following characteristics in their online personal ads:

- Pics of them naked from the waist up, flexing. And almost always with sunglasses on or a baseball hat. Or both. Uh, I don't know your name yet, so I'm really not ready to see your nipples. Put on a shirt. And stop trying so hard.

- Pics of them with other women. Really? Really.

- Pics of places they've been. That's nice that you travel, but at this stage of the game I don't care about Mt. Kilimanjaro , the slopes in Colorado, or the beaches of the Caribbean. I want to see you.

- Pics of them with other guys. I've actually looked at profiles where EVERY picture is a bunch of guys. What the hell is that about? Which one are you? Am I about to wink at a gang bang? Have I accidentally logged into a gay dating site? I can't tell!

- Pics of them with aaaalllll of their toys. Their cars. Their motorcycles. Their guns. Their jet skies. You name it, if they spent a lot of money on it, these guys will post a pic of it. I don't care what you own, I care about who you are. You and Mr. Naked Flexer need to stop trying so hard. And maybe get comfortable with your small penis.

- Awkward pics of guys with their pets. Gentlemen, some advice: Dogs? Great guy pets. Show them off. It means you can nurture something and make a long term commitment. However, a bunny laying across your chest whilst you recline in bed? Is. Fucking. CREEPY. It means.... yep, you're just fucking creepy.

- Mustaches are dated and fucked up. Either shave off that nasty 1970's shit or connect it to a goatee.

- Same for mullets. I can't believe I would have to remind ANYone of that fact. Go see a stylist (read: not a barber) and modern that mess up.


So yeah, I've once again I've given up on the online dating option. I know that sometimes it does work - one of the besties that suggested I return met her fiance online (he's a doll!) - and I worked with a guy who met his lovely wife via an online dating site. I just don't think it's for me.

Especially if I see a pic of you, sans shirt, flexing, next to your Corvette, holding a bunny, and stroking your mustache.