'Tis The Season

It's two days before Christmas, and it's around this time that I start getting schmoopy. What can I say, it gets to my soft mushy center.

It's been a really wild, emotional year. I got back a dear friend, had some one I thought was a friend turn their back and go, lost one I knew was a friend to Heaven, had another friendship evolve (and be tested) in the most surprising ways, and learned that my best friends just might know me better than I know myself. So this Christmas, I'm going to count the people in my life as my gifts......

Chloe, my gorgeous, smart, mature beyond her years daughter. Sure she's a pain in the ass to live with sometimes, but so am I. She's not afraid to call me on my shit, and hug me when I need it. She's my whole heart, my forever and always.

Kathy, who's lovely late husband Lu was right - she and I hit it off immediately and found a soul mate in each other. I lost her once because I listened to the wrong person. I thank Lu for bringing us back together. I thank Kathy for forgiving. I thank God for helping me be smarter because of it.

Dave and Brandon because they always listen to my girl brain and understand.

Marc, who is determined, kind, and patient enough to not let me blame myself, even when I'm hellbent on doing so. You continue to surprise me. Thank you, Cowboy, for valuing me and our friendship.

The three best friends anyone could ever ask for - Elaine, Dorothy, and Melinda. You are my laughter, my litmus test, my shoulders to cry and lean on, my sanity, my safe place to fall. You don't judge me (even when it'd be easy to), you give it to me straight (even when I don't want to hear it), and you see who I really am (especially when I can't). I'd be lost without you three gorgeous women.

I wish everyone a very Merry Christmas.

The White Death

Ok really? It's just snow, people. It's not the end of days. You won't die milk, bread, and toilet paperless. Relax. There are systems in place to take care of this. And at least everyone knows some one with a 4WD vehicle (don't everyone call me, please). It's really more of a hassle than anything else. But last night, for just a little while, I looked at it differently...

Last night Kathy and I were taking a drinking tour of Ritchie Hwy (some of you were kept informed of this adventure in real time, lol), and the snow started at our second stop - some Christmas party at a friend of Steve's (accuratecontracting.com). As we made our way out of the friends house, heading to stop #3 (Crossroads Tavern), I took a moment to appreciate how lovely snow makes everything.....

Quiet, sparkly, and a bit magical. It added a different luminosity to the outdoor Christmas lights, and it was kinda fun to have the snow alight on my face as I jogged to the van. Snow at night is beautiful and romantic (even in Glen Burnie ;-) ).

Maybe there is a part of this beach girl that likes winter. Just for a moment.

Follow Ups

And now.... for some updates:

- Evil Company A is....... Advanced Concepts, Inc., located on Broken Land Pky in Columbia. DO NOT WORK FOR THEM!

- Lovely Company B is........ ManTech, the Hanover location. I'm two weeks in, and I heart them so far.

- I used Peapod this weekend. Groceries will be delivered between 4:30 and 9:30 Monday. This service is run by Giant, which is more expensive than my Food Lion. But 'tis the price I pay for not doing this dreaded task by hand. I did notice that I can't seem to get a rotisserie chicken from Peapod, which sucks. Love me some rotisserie chicken...

- In 42 degree weather today, the teenager was going to head out in a v-neck cami and a hoodie. Mental patients, I'm tellin' ya....

Magnetism

Ever been at a place in your life where you know that taking the smart, rational step is the right thing to do, but your heart and mind are otherwise occupied?

I'm there. It blows. It's like trying to pull away from a huge magnet. But I know it's time to try and focus on something else, at least for a while, since I can't control this magnet.

I do wonder..... what does it mean when taking the smart, rational step makes you sad? Makes you want the magnet more?

"Drove me thru the mountains
Thru the crystal-like clear water fountain
Drove me like a magnet
To the sea"
- "Crystal" by Stevie Nicks

A Soft, Nougatty Center

In my adult life, in the relationships and dynamics I have been a part of, a common theme pops up. A stigma, if you will, about me that I think is largely incorrect. I think that it's a misinterpretation by those who either don't know me well, or don't care to know me well.

You see, I've sometimes been labeled bossy and mean.

Which I am not. And if you knew me, and knew me well, you'd know that I'm pretty self aware and don't have an issue calling myself on my own crap. While I am many things, I am not either of these and am really pretty tired of being accused of them.

To say one is bossy is to also infer that they wish to control everything and everyone around them. Not this chick. Really, it's enough for me to manage myself and my own little world. Wanting some control, wishing you could make people do what you want them to or what they should I think is perfectly normal and natural to a certain degree. To the level that bossy implies doesn't apply to me. I can no more control you and what you do than I can the orbit of the moon. So I don't try. It's as simple as that.

The trait that I have that I think comes off as bossy to some is the fact that most of the time I know what I want, when, and how I want it. And this typically comes to me from a combination of past experience and gut instinct. I'll generally not open my mouth unless I am certain, and when I am, I'm very matter-of-fact and absolute. Hence, bossy. Folks who flounder, or who want bad behavior enabled don't like this trait 'o mine, I've come to find. Too bad. Go in peace. I know what I'm doing (oops, I guess that's bossy, huh?). And if I don't, I'll ask.

To say that I am mean is also far, far off the mark. What I am is a very social, people loving smart ass that's loaded with sarcasm. Which I know can annoy some. I do try to reel it in when I'm sensing it's not appreciated or inappropriate. And sometime it's cranked on 11 when I'm nervous or uncomfortable. I also have a habit of not taking any shit or suffering fools, which also comes off as mean, even when I choose to not engage or be silent (which at this stage of life, is the path I generally choose).

So it seems I lose either way. But what, and whom, exactly do I lose?

I could be wrong, but I think experience and open eyes have shown me that the folks who have dismissed me, walked away from me, or just never "got" me maybe just aren't meant to be members of my tribe, my "framily".

My framily are a select few who have taken the time to see past the temptation dismiss me as a bitch, and have found some one quite different. When they reflect those parts of me back to me is when it's most surprising. It makes me say to myself "Wow, they see that?" We all desire to be truly seen by some one, and too often in my life I have not been, unfortunately by people who held very significant roles in my life. It's why I'm so grateful for those to stuck around to find out.

I have heard them say that I'm the person who would drop everything in the middle of the night to come to their aid, who provides them with the steel they need in uncomfortable situations, who hits the nail on the head when they're stuck for words or solutions. And while most of them have never (or rarely) seen me cry, they know that I'm far, far more sensitive and emotional than I will ever appear, typically feel hurt feelings and rejection as if my soul is sunburned, and have a heart the size of Texas just oozing with big love. They also know I tend to do my crying alone.

Which is why I posted this today. I did some crying alone, me and my sunburned soul.

Food Lion, You Ain't No Columbia Mall

Two of my very best girlfriends, Elaine and Dorothy, are working wives and mothers. Both are also highly organized. Now, I myself am also pretty dang organized, but these two could make folks with OCD/anal-retentive issues go "Wow, I never thought of doing it that way!" And I mean that in the best way - they really do have it going on, managing careers and households, nurturing kids, marriages, social lives, all with brilliance, effectiveness, and love.

One thing that both of them employ is a weekly dinner menu, and a few months ago they began encouraging me to do the same. You see, while I love to eat and enjoy all different kinds of food, I'm highly cooking-adverse. As far as domestic skills go, I clean great, decorate like a pro, can organize any drawer or closet, have the bills on a perfect schedule, can do all the laundry in a day, but cooking has never interested me. When I do cook though, I have to say that I'm pretty good at it. I just don't like it.

Anywho, E and D said it really took the pain-in-the-ass factor out of what to cook for dinner every night. And if you were in my shoes, being asked every single day by a constantly starving teenager "What are we doing for dinner?", you'd try anything to eliminate that.

So trusting my smart BFFs, and looking for some kind of solution, I decided to try it.

I drew up a Mon-Fri menu and posted it on the fridge. Almost immediately The Teenager balked. I heard things like "I don't want to use a menu, it's stupid" and "Um, I don't like (fill in the blank with something that makes zero sense) so I'm not eating that." It's times like this that remind me that she's related to her father, and why I divorced him.

But I digress.... I chose to ignore The Teenagers complaints (because they were dumb) and forged ahead with the menu plan. I made a list of all the things I'd need for each dinner, and bought them. Things started off well. It was quite nice not to give any thought to dinner, which is one less thing to clutter the already overtaxed mind of a single working mom. This plan also spawned my first attempt ever at cooking a roast in a crock pot (that is a whole other blog - don't judge me), which was quite tasty. I also got to have "brinner" (breakfast food for dinner) one night. A real treat, since I typically only get to enjoy this meal at the Double T or Honeybee diners at 2:00am (again, don't judge me).

However, the one fatal flaw in this plan that my BFF's and I overlooked is: I. Loathe. Grocery. Shopping.

Hmmm, how can I make you appreciate the level of hate I have for grocery shopping....?? I would rather go to the dentist every week for 6 months than grocery shop. I'd rather have a daily pap smear than grocery shop. I'd rather take your kids to Chuck E. Cheese than grocery shop. Are ya feelin' me yet?

Let's examine grocery stores themselves. They are always cold. Something is always spilled somewhere. The florescent lighting buzzing overhead is the most painful, annoying, and unflattering known to the human race. The music they pipe in makes me want to slit my wrists, and the decor/atmosphere is less than uninspiring.

The actual process of grocery shopping annoys me to PMDD levels (Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder, for my dude audience). You have to be ever careful and aware of how and where you put things in the cart, how and in what order you put them on the belt, what gets bagged with what, how the bags get put back into the cart, how the bags get loaded into your vehicle, blah, blah, blah, blah! I swear, they really should sell liquor in all grocery stores. At least I could numb the pain and not think about all the time I'm wasting in this godforsaken hell hole.

I suppose what I'm doing is comparing this shopping experience to the mall shopping experience. And maybe that isn't fair, but neither is life. At the mall, in my favorite stores I am surrounded by beautiful things, cool music, trendy/sexy/relaxing decor (depending on the store I'm in), and lovely scents. And I never have to bag my own items. Nor do I have to be careful of how the bags are placed in my vehicle. Never once did I crack a pair of leopard print heels by tossing a fabulous new purse on top of them.

Grocery shopping and I will never be a good fit. And I realize it's a necessary evil, but it's one I will likely go to lengths to avoid until the day I die.

Now if you'll excuse me, my subs and pizza were just delivered.